i have been listening to this song almost nonstop since i got the cd yesterday because it is hitting close to me right now.....i read the lyrics and cant help but think that they sorta sound a bit like what is goin on...... and i hope soon that beauty will be made from my "pain" im feeling.....

"Beauty From Pain"

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

   hello hello....im here to make a little update....jazzy and i made it safely to and from the lake.....we had loads of fun eventhough we only stayed for one nite.....we arrived at about 1020ish saturday morning and got home a little after 8 sunday nite.......sunday morning we got up and daddy rented a ski boat for us to goof off in.....and so we got skis and a tube......daddy rode with us for a little bit...then we went back to the campsite and my cousin zach traded off with dad and came out with jaz and i......that was loads of fun.....jus drivin around in the boat with no parents.....im glad that jazzy got to go up with me.....jus reminded me of all the fun times we had last summer together.....the bad thing about the trip though was that we got burnt really bad......on jaz you couldnt tell so much cuz she is dark as it is...so it sorta jus made her look even darker but on me....yea.....i became "lobster girl" in the words of daddy.......my face arms and shoulders were burnt....little bit of my chest and then jus the top part of my thighs got burnt.....they got burnt the worst i do believe....we were hurting so bad on the way home.....when we got into town we headed over to fat city where the klines and some of teens/refuge were.....then after that we headed over to the klines house......i was hurting so bad that i wore shorts...yea....i can tell ya its not often you see me in shorts unless im swimming...thats how bad my legs hurt......hehe....so yea....but now things are much better in the sunburn area.......now im jus sore from the skiiing and tubing....the first time i got thrown off the tube.....i went frontwards into the water and i hit the water so hard that the water pushed my top eyelids underneath my bottom ones and got stuck for a few minutes....man that was painful....it hurt really bad.......but atleast they are better now.......

   not goin to make too long of a post....but before i do end it....i would like to ask for prayers......id rather not go into the situation on here.....but if it does end up happening it will be a tough situation to deal with right now at this time and point......i can tell ya that it will definately bring me down....cuz yea...right now....its got me a little down jus thinking about it....but i know there is nothing i can do....

   in general here lately i have jus felt.....um....empty???? i dont know if that is the best word to describe it or not.....im not really sure what it is....i jus know that im not at the "level" i used to be......and im not where i would like to be.....its confussing to me so i know for sure im not making any sense on here trying to explain so neways.....so yea....jus to keep you from wondering......if you think that im not acting like the normal me.....you are thinking right....but neways...i jus ask that you keep this in ur prayers for me!...i appreciate it greatly!!!! hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week......

   im ready for friday because it starts my week long house/dog sitting job for the klines......yea.....im goin from the 7th to the 15 and then i get a break for a week then im right back at their house a week later......exciting exciting...im really enjoying this new thing......its great.....

"Courage"

I told another lie today
And i got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the write words to say
Like "i don't feel well," "i ate before i came"
Then someone tells me how good i look
And for a moment, for a moment i am happy
But when i'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Somedays i'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be ok
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time i felt unbeautiful
The day i chose not to eat
What i do know is how i've changed my life forever
I know i should know better
There are days when i'm ok
And for a moment, for a moment i find hope
But there are days when i'm not ok
And i need your help
So i'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Somedays i'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be ok
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but i know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Somedays i'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be ok
Together we can make it through another

okay.....before neone gets some random thought in their head...ill clear this up before nething is assumed.....dont worry....im not anorexic....i got the new cd from Superchick because i was told it was really good...so i went out and got it...and it is really good.....im glad i got it.....and this is one of the songs on the cd.... and i really like this song cuz its a great one.....with the way things are goin for the past couple of weeks...it kinda hits me....not the anorexia part cuz im not...but jus the fact of finding hope and courage to make it through certain things...thats all.....hope that puts better thoughts in ur heads hehe...and doesnt steer you the wrong way....

 I guess I'm not as strong as I thought.............

    "Porcelain Heart"

Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

[Chorus:]
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

   welps i said id be back with a post so here i am......so hhhmmm where to catch up from.....welps....after i finished up with house sitting for the mr ed and mrs barbie i got to go to the klines and house/dog sit wed nite and thurs nite.......it was fun times.......it was nice bein out of the house for  a bit.....it was nice "space" i guess you could say....but yea...now im back but so far all is goin well......

   hhhmmm......tuesday i had to go into work and open....but i also had orientation at asu that day....so yea...went in opened at 630 and then before i left around 730ish.... on of the little boys that is in my group decided to cut a little bit of my hair off in the back.......yea....really exciting. it was a nice bit of length but atleast it wasnt a huge chunk of hair.....it was only about 15-20 strands of hair...maybe a bit more.....but yea...it is definately not noticable....so all is well.....then i went to orientation......it was a very long day but im really excited about college now.....i have my id.....parkin pass thingy.....schedule.....and i also found out that im gettin 3,125 more dollars for college from something forgot waht but yea.....im jus glad i get that much more and i get it both this semester and next semester....

   wed nite was fun with refuge.......we went out to the tennisons pond or whatever it is called and went fishing.....i enjoyed it cuz i hadnt been fishing since last summer....didnt know how much i missed fishing....i hadnt fished in so long i was doin horrible.....i caught two fish....then quit......but i had fished for like 30-40 mins before i caught the darn things......so yea...i jus sat back and watched steve mark and jenny fish......it was quite entertaining......

   today i started working with a new group at camp raider....i have moved up to the oldest group.....it went really good for my first day with them....i connected with the girls well.....so that is a plus....they told me before i left that they really enjoyed having me as a teacher now cuz i could connect with them a little bit....that always makes you feel good.....i must say that tonite would have to be one of my worst nites in the past couple of weeks.....i have been so tired here lately and tonite we had a softball game....I shouldnt have even showed up for the game.....cuz i honestly got no where in it....i was so tired that i jus wasnt there at all.....this whole iron gettin low thing again jus isnt helping things at all......it jus was totally working against me tonite.....i was so bummed out......honestly......but im gettin my vitamins started back up so hopefully ill be better soon.....

   tomorrow i am kinda nervous about.....i have to go down and get a tuberculin skin test done(tb test) for camp raider...it is required since im working with kids.....i was told taht they stick a needle in ur lower arm on the inside part of the arm and put some kind of serum in ur arm.....then i have to go back monday so they can look at the area where they put the stuff and make sure there hasnt been ne kind of reaction......to me....that jus doesnt sound to great.....atleast im not scared of needles and stuff.....but then i have to go into work as soon as im done....but tomorrow will be a semi easy day cuz we go swimming on fridays for like and hour and a half....so yea....then tomorrow nite i have arksitters....im quite excited.......i havent been able to help for the past couple times...so im pretty excited about this round....if neone would like to hang out after i get done with arksitters let me know...cuz yea....mom and dad will be at the lake so ill wanna do something......

   then saturday morning jazzy fae and i are making our way up to the lake.....i get to drive moms new car up there and im pretty excited bout that also.....i love her new car....and im really excited that jazzy is gettin to come.....i think we are renting a ski boat and daddy is goin to take us skiing.....yea im super ready for that...cuz i went skiing for the first time last summer and it was awsome!...cant wait to do it again........welps...thats pretty much about it for now....im really sleepy....so im headin to bed.......nites to all......

"my hope???? dont exactly know where it is.....i have lost it and definatlely cant find it and havent been able to for a long while now....dont know if i ever will"

   *~Britt~*

hey so yea....dont really believe that neone reads this nemore...but oh well....i like posting cuz it helps me relieve stress and stuff......neways.....since last thursday we have been out of internet cuz the stupid storm that came....the stinkin lighting got our big screen and our comp. modem...so yea....but all is well cuz we are back up and running.....i mean dont get me wrong....lighting is pretty BUT....its stupid after it takes our ur comp and tv....hehe...neways...moving on......so im not gunna make a post post tonite cuz im super tired.....unfortunately my iron is dropping back down again cuz im starting to have the signs as i did last time things went bad.....very much tiredness.....i slept for pretty much 15 straight hours on friday....went to sleep at 4 in the afternoon......woke up around 8 then fell back asleep at 830 and didnt wake up til 9 on saturday morning...yea def something wrong with that....and normally i go to bed at like 10ish....but this week it has been 730ish for me.....so yea.....but all will be well again soon i hope....i gotta start takin my vitamins again...... so yea.....thats pretty much about it for now.....my next post will be more exciting cuz it will include all the exciting things taht have happened to me.....

May God Bless You All With Great Things When You Least Expect......

   hello hello....im back for another post...yes it has been a VERY long time since my last one.....im sorry....jus been busy....i had part of a post saved and ready to finish...but i kept forgettin about it so yea....thought id jus make a completely new one......neways....i found out last thursday that my dad is goin to let me go to Germany next June to visit Julia.....he told me and juls that thursday before we left for the softball game.... so yea....thats about the only exciting news i have.....

   moving on.....i have been house/animal sitting since sunday nite for mr ed and mrs barbie....it has been a lot of fun....abby is the sweetest dog ever......she is so playful and lovey.....and she will jus love on you as soon as you walk in the door....im loving this new house/animal sitting stuff im doin.....i have two more jobs lined up in july....im so ready for it....tomorrow is my last day for doin this....im kinda wishing it could have lasted longer....but oh well....it has def been fun and a comp new experience for me......but now i have 2 more house/dog sitting jobs to look forward to...so all is well.....

   welps...i got into a deep thinking the other day......and im still sorta in that deep thought about a few things.....i was asked a few questions yesterday that brought me back to my "past" happenings....if something life changing wouldnt have happened to you...where do you think you would be at right now?...do you think things would be different for you?......that is one thing that i keep wondering myself.....i wonder sometimes if the fact that my "sense of security" hadnt been taken away from me at a very young age where i would be at today....mainly meaning my "relationship status".....i have never thought this "deeply" about it before....but after being asked a few questions yesterday it jus all came to me at once....it makes me wonder if i would actually be in one today.....i have come close so many times.....but i have come to realize that it takes me so long to get the "safe feeling" for the guy that by the time i feel that safe feeling.....its over....all we really did was "talk" for a few months maybe even less than that.....i jus dont get it....i came so close to thinkin that i had finally found someone....someone who seemed like everything i had been looking for....and ill admit things went very slow.....and by the time i had the ok feeling.....i guess he jus wasnt feeling it nemore...it had taken me so long that his feelings wore off....atleast.....i think he had some sort of feelings...it seemed like it....but i threw it all away......

   well neways....sorry.....i will cut all this off right there.....i wont go on with nemore of this.....dont want yall to get too bored....but neways....i guess im goin now....hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week!....

Britt

holas.....hope everyone is having a great monday so far.....i guess i am....jus sittin here eatin a salad from sonic....mmmm...they have the best salads ever! i love em!....welps....i survived my overnite weekend babysittin......to sum it all up...it went quite well....i posted about friday in my last post so i shall move onto saturday...Cody decided that at 730 he wanted to come and get me up...so yea...he comes in the room and pulls my covers off and said "britteny....time to get up".....i really didnt want to cuz i had been up pretty much the whole nite since i was sick...and so i put the covers back on me and he jus pulled them off again and told me to get up...so yea....decided i better get up so he didnt get mad....so yea....got up took a shower then when i got out....the boys were in their swim stuff and told me they wanted to go swimming...so yea....we went to the sage pool and went swimming for about 1 1/2 to2 hrs...then we jus went back to the house and "relaxed".......then after a bit...julz called and said she was ready to come over...so she did.....and when she got there...we went to galactic hurricane and then at about 8ish i think we headed up to Chuck E Cheese cuz Cody wanted to go there really bad....thats all he talked about pretty much.......

   i enjoyed goin to CEC cuz i got to see the ppl that i used to work with and my old manager......he like gave me 50% off everything i ordered and gave us a whole cup of free tokens......so yea.....it was nice....julz and i played games with the boys and it was really fun....then the best part was that Tonja....a girl i graduated with and worked with there.....did a show...and she put it on a show that i knew from when i worked there......boy howdy did that bring back memories....i even went up there and danced the clay and cody....i still had all the movements memorized and the song memorized.....it was great......i enjoyed it.....then we headed up to the prize counter and got some things with out tickets then headed home and put the boys in bed......we had planned on jus gettin them asleep and then goin and playin ddr in the living room....well i didnt realize it but i ended up falling asleep with cody.....next thing i know...julz had said..."hey...are you jus gunna sleep in here"....haha whoops......but yea...we jus decided to go straight to sleep and were out at like 1130......

   then we woke up at seven got our showers out of the way and then went to wake up the boys....it was way easier than i thought it would be.....they didnt fuss or nething...they jus got right into the bath and got dressed.......made me happy cuz i had to be at church at 815 for 1st service drama pract..... and yea...that was interesting i must say.....i honestly jus learned my lines saturday afternoon......i was shocked i remembered all of them....plus on the way to the church yesterday morning Julz practiced with me and i was doin horrible....i couldnt remember nething...but yea.....we actually made it through without messing up....so heck yes! hahaha.......

but neways....that is pretty much all there is to say about the overnite babysitting......nothing went horribly wrong....so im thankful for that......jus came out of the whole thing very sleep deprived.....mom almost wouldnt let me go to Sunday School lastnite cuz she thought i was way too tired and she was worried about me driving.....cuz yea....when i woke up from my "nap" yesterday she asked me if i had ne dirty clothes and asked where they were and she would get them out for me so i wouldnt have to...so i was like "uh yea i have dirty clothes but ill get them for you....i have to get them out of my purse and bring them to you"....yea....didnt exactly mean to say the word purse so i was like..."uh...i mean luggage"....then right before i left for church...daddy was starting supper and he was cooking some ribs and corn on the cobb....and and so mom asked me what dad was doin and i told her "i dont really know but he has a bunch of pieces of toilet paper out in there"......but i meant aluminum foil instead of toilet paper....jus came out wrong thats all....but yea...i went to S.S. neways....didnt wanna miss it no matter how tired or how bad i was feeling....but i came home after it was over and was in bed by 920.....didnt wake up til my alarm went off this morning....

   welps.....starting sunday i will have another fun and exciting few days ahead of me.....i am goin to be animal/house sitting i guess you could say.....im gunna be watching mr ed and mrs barbies dog and cat while they are gone.....it will def be a change.....im goin from overnite babysitting to overnite animal sitting.....this round will be a lot less stressful! ill bet on that....hehe....but yea...liz is gunna stay with me when she can if her parents let her...so im excited bout that.....then if not...then ill jus be on my own....fun times fun times......but neways.....thats pretty much it for now.....im outta here now so i can do some house cleaning before Julz and i go hang out some more!....hope you all have a wonderful rest of the monday!.....

Love always and forever in Christ,

         Britt

 ok, so i made it through my first nite of overnite babysittin clay and cody.i started probably around 1230 yesterday and im not done til sometime tomorrow... ooo fun times fun times......yesterday after gettin the boys we went and picked up julz and got some lunch then went to the poolhouse and "swam" for a little bit....julz and i thought that the water was still freezing so that didnt last too long....then we headed to the church cuz i was needed to talk to Pastor Dave but he was leaving as we got there so we jus stayed and chatted with Pastor Pete for a bit......then after that i took julz back to her house cuz she was heading to memphis with Lindsey Utley so she had to get back and get ready.......then i took the boys to walmart to get some swim toys and then to the movie store to get a playstation game and a few movies.....then headed home and jus stayed there the rest of the nite.......lastnite i was so sick....i dont know what i had eaten or if it was something else but i went to bed around 2 and then from  that point on i woke up atleast 2 times every hour.....everytime i would move around it would mess up my stomach and make me have to throw up...but thankfully i never actually did...came close a lot but yea....i was miserable....but there was really nothin i could do about it.....and like everytime i would stand up i would start to blackout a little bit.....dont know what caused it but im doin better now...my stomach still feels a little weak but yea all is well i hope......

   welps tonite ill be stayin here again.....hopefully tonite will be a lot better than lastnite.....i truly hope so cuz i was absolutely miserable...and tonite julz will be stayin here also and like around 5-6 we are goin to chuck e cheese with the Klines! im excited abut that one cuz i havent been in a long time....but neways...i gots to get off here now and cook some lunch!...talk to you all laterz!!!

Love always and forever in Christ,

          Britt